In an effort to listen to my cards, to honor my new commitment to keep it real, and to respect people for who they are, I've spent some days recently chewing on a problem. We're here, in the same house now going on 1.5 years, and it's time to decide how deeply to dig in to our life here. In the next few months, we'll learn where Cute Husband's job will send us next, and while I'd love to stay put, chances are high that we'll have to relocate. I desperately want to stay, but I'm not holding my breath. Also, I could stomp my feet and refuse to go, but I'm just grateful he has a job, so I'm not going to push it.
While we're waiting, I'm still interested in making connections with people here, cultivating a spirit of shared community, and feeling like we actually live/belong here, even if it's going to be temporary. Cute Husband works in a job that's fairly specific and is comprised of manly men doing manly things, who happen to be some of the best at that in the world. While I am not one of those men, and am not the best at anything in the world (although I do make a mean chocolate chip cookie), I tend to try to stay connected to the other wives in this community because we share the same weird lives. I have made some tremendous friends who are family to me, yet I've also met my share of women who are a little lacking in the depth department, who are a little caught up in image, and a bit too impressed with their husband's line of work. Sometimes Alpha Males marry Alpha Females, and many of the Alpha Females around me are kind and wonderful; many are hell on wheels.
My problem is this: it is easier and less work to fall in with the women around me whose lives mirror mine so closely in the day to day, than to seek out a brand new community of women who don't understand what it's like to move so frequently and to be so far from home. I'm a little lazy that way. The positive side of this is that there is always instant short-hand with the other work wives, and an instant community. I'm not reinventing the wheel every two years when we move. It seems wise to live where I am, to take advantage of the blessings of having this community available to me, and to know that there are women around me who get my life.
But sometimes, these ladies are a little daunting to be around. For example, when my husband travels for 6 months, I don't decide to sail across the Atlantic to England by myself in a small sailboat. I don't run Iron Man tri-athalons, and I don't go to medical school. All I really want to do is sit on my couch and read until he gets back. I love being surrounded by these wonderful and engaging women, but the part of me that is a wee bit more competitive than I'm comfortable with starts to rear its ugly head, and then I'm up shit's creek. I torture myself by comparing myself to these people, when really, there's no need.
I also have just the slightest tendency to be attracted to the shiny, pretty surface of things when my competitive juices start flowing, like a magpie on the hunt for more things to line her nest with. It is the shiny things I'm trying to get rid of in my life these days. I don't want to feel like I have to keep up, or measure myself against anyone but me. Frankly, it's exhausting and secondly, it distracts me from being me and doing the things that feed me.
This is one of those things I discovered last year on the couch, and I admit to being pretty ashamed about it. Once I realized, though, that I was spending so much time and energy on something so shallow, something that seemed shiny but lacked real substance, I promised myself to stop, and to honor the parts of me that aren't like everyone else. That make me Me.
You can imagine how effortless that has been.
So yesterday, I decided to put my money where my mouth is, and after a few days of dithering, came to a decision that pleases me. I was invited to two events on the same day: a Wives' party in the morning, hosted by one of the Alpha Females, and a Covenant Circle, hosted by an older woman through my lovely, wackadoo church in the evening. I knew that the party in the morning would be fun, that I'd meet some new ladies, and that I'd come home feeling a hit of energy that comes from a party. I also knew that high would last approximately through dinner, and then it would just be an empty memory that didn't have any real meaning. Yes, it would be fun, but what would I have to show for it? How would it feed me?
The Covenant Circle was also a meeting of women, and I was curious what we would accomplish. It turned out that we are a mix of Jews, recovering Catholics, former Methodists, and a stray witch who shared coffee, banana chocolate chip muffins, and two hours' worth of conversation about Big Picture Ideas: Faith, Fear, Courage, etc. The Circle felt a little bit magical, to be honest. I can't remember a time when I was in a room full of strangers sharing such intimate ideas on how we view existence.
If ever the Universe was sending me a pop quiz, it was then. I had a very clear choice: chase after something frothy and light, or dig in a little, and spend time exploring what I believe, what I seek, and what feeds me. And not to exploit the metaphor too far, but I left last night's Circle with a full spirit.
I know, I know--I could have gone to both events, but I'm tired of chasing the wrong dream. I don't begrudge anyone who would rather go to a party because it's fun. For me, though, I want to spend my time focusing on what makes me most happy--most content--and for now, this is so.
So mote it be, sister.
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