Sahmain Greetings

I love this time of year when we can roam about, fully out of the closet about our witchiness.  While my three little guys are getting ready for the big night on the 31st, I love the days right now with the changing leaves, the change in temperature, the change in the food we eat.  It's fairly safe to say that I enjoy the change of seasons and all that represents.

One change I'm going to embrace is this: I need to do something differently in the way I operate as a type A witch. Now that I've started school and life is moving more rapidly along than normal, I find myself a bit adrift. In my last post, I noted how poorly a job I've done at keeping Spirit with me during challenging times, and really, what's the point of having Spirit in your life at all if you don't usher it in during the best and worst times of life? Talk about not fully exploiting your resources.

While I've never felt more organized (you should see my house--it's insane. I'm not sure what's gotten into me), I am really stressed out. There's a lot going on behind the scenes here, namely that Cute Husband is planning on a very long trip for work and we are mentally and emotionally preparing not to have him in our lives next year. I know this is taking its toll in ways I don't realize yet, but I've determined not to let this control how well I live. It's not unusual for him to go away, but the last time he was gone for so long, I ended up in the hospital from the stress of it all. I don't want to do that again. I know there's a smarter and better way to manage.

Last night, while I was trying to decompress after the kids went to bed, after calling the dr.'s answering service to investigate the source of an angry full body rash on my oldest (looks like another allergy to antibiotics), and after spending the day shuttling the children to different activities while adjusting to the absence of my husband for the next week, I lay in bed, watching a dumb reality tv show while knitting a hat. I sat there, mindlessly watching a medium talk about her life and convincing people that she could talk to their dead loved ones, and she said something that made me stop knitting, close my eyes, and smile. "You can't do it alone," she said, to a shocked middle aged man, "Spirit is standing right beside you to help every step of the way." Now, I don't believe she was speaking directly to me, but I couldn't help but be grateful for that little coincidence in timing.

It crossed my mind that she's right--Spirit is standing right next to me, able to help me when I need it. My task is to best figure out how to access it and believe that all will be well. A favorite writer posted something online yesterday about a parable of a little sparrow found lying on its back with its scrawny legs pressed up against the sky. A cat or something walked up to it and asked what it thought it was doing, and the sparrow replied, "I heard the sky was falling, so I thought I'd try to help keep it up where it belongs." I laughed at the vision, and realize that's what I'm trying to do myself. I'm trying to manage all of the details of our life with the idea that I'm going to make it fit into a certain packaged idea of how I want things to be. I'm trying to make it all work. I'm going to control the outcome, when that's not really possible, is it?

Part of the frustration I feel right now is the uncertainty of my husband's safety during his next job away. He's going to a dangerous place to do dangerous things, and this scares me. I was hoping that my little guys would just be thinking about the absence in terms of time away from us, but then my smart little witch in all her 7 year old wisdom asked me this, as we sat eating lunch yesterday at a deli near our home. "What if Dad d.i.e.s.?" she spelled, so as not to have to say the word out loud. I promised her that he always comes home to us, but how can I make such a promise? And how can I comfort these guys when I feel the same fears? I cried a little when they weren't watching, but what do I know?

So last night as I lay in bed, I thought it might be a good idea to find a way to link in with all that matters to me about being part of a larger web. Linking in with any community that feeds us right now, and finding ways to be outside, to feel part of something beautiful and meaningful and that doesn't allow us to be crippled by our fears. I am a work in progress, no doubt, but am hopeful that just this little crack of clarity is enough to move me toward changing how I function.

The Power of Receiving

One of the things that always makes me smile is when my friend and soul sister Joy says this to me: "Tell yourself that you are open to receive all the blessings of the Universe." It's actually really simple and doesn't require much undue effort. The act of opening up to receive is quite powerful, though, in a world where we are taught that it is better to give, to be busy, to achieve--to operate from a place of action and doing, instead of being given permission to sit, be open, and accept.

I think it's fair to say that we find value in our ability to get things done. There is purpose in making a list and crossing things off, one by one, so that at the end of the day, we can sit back and revel in our ability to achieve results. What doesn't happen and isn't valued nearly so much is the converse idea: to sit back, contemplate, and accept--to receive. We can accomplish quite a bit by doing, but we can accomplish just as much by being, by choosing to receive all the gifts of the Universe. It's a natural duality. And it's one that I could use some practice on.

Elfin One passed along the book "The Power of Receiving" by Amanda Owen. In it, she outlines how we can achieve our goals not just by plodding energetically and full of productivity toward that goal, but by developing a system whereby we can be open to receiving it into our consciousness. It's a fascinating study of how to manifest what we want by using a different strategy than we might be used to. I'm still in the early part of the book, but am already floored by her simple but intuitive approach.

In the meantime, I'm going to practice being more open and more receptive. We'll see how it goes.

I Dwell in Possibility

It's been a while, and I've completed a fascinating experiment: I'm horrible at merging my spirit life with my everyday. So much of creating this blog space was about incorporating a little bit of Spirit in the mundane details of my life, yet I've been neglecting to do any of it, including the blogging. I vow to do better.

The last time I posted, I was waiting to hear how my life was about to change. I spent the better part of spring and most of the beginning of summer waiting to hear about just that, and I did a terrible job of worrying about it instead of just trusting all would be well. I did get the scholarship and I did get into my counseling program, but I did harass the hell out of my two favorite witches, Cute Husband and my mom the entire time. I was awful about accepting that I couldn't be in control of the outcome. I worried. I paced. I chewed on the different outcomes...it was agonizing and I just couldn't stop. 

And of course it was all right. You'd think I'd have learned by now that it all would be fine. That I'd get what I need, and that the Universe would provide. And what I've learned, again, is that it would serve me well to try to keep my finger off the control panel and just let happen what's going to happen anyway. At no point in all these months did I trust in the process, usher in Spirit to lend a helping hand, or did I just settle into the flow. Apparently, I'm a very type A witch.

Luckily enough, there's always the chance for redemption, and I'm grateful that I have this space to come back to. Throughout these past months, I've come to understand that operating at high speed without giving myself over to a spiritual hit every now and then depletes me. I fill up my time with other things that don't feed me, and that's not helpful. The good thing is that there are endless possibilities for improvement.

On The Cusp

I'm sure there are many astrologically important symbols to represent life on the cusp of change, but frankly, I can't be bothered to look them up. I don't need to do any in depth readings to understand that my life is about to change in a profound way and that I'm poised on that cusp with a choice. My typical reaction to change is deep and committed resistance. I'm old enough now in my 41 year old dotage to recognize that this reaction hasn't always served me very well and is actually pretty destructive. So I'm going to try something new.

I've had the wonderful luxury of being able to stay at home with Sweet Boy and my two little witches while they were little. I got to see all of their milestones, be with them as they learned to navigate the world, and connect with them deeply to create a sense of safety and love in their lives. I was not always so good with the details, but have loved that I was able always to be there for them. And I have complained the entire time about the sheer tedium of being a stay-at-home mom. I wouldn't have minded the mothering part; it's the housewife job that I loathe and am not so good at doing. Nothing makes me want to jump off a bridge more than deciding whether I should clean out the refrigerator or sort through the hand-me-downs to take to Goodwill. I could give a rat's ass about most of the details of running a house, and wouldn't mind in the least outsourcing some of those decisions, which, really, just isn't ever going to happen.

Nonetheless, there are days of great joy and days of abject boredom. I went through a crisis last year when I realized that the lack of intellectual motivation in my day job was making me feel like my brain would permanently atrophy if I didn't do something else. Blackwood, my wise and cute younger brother, helped me realize that it's okay to pursue another dream without having to give up on the idea that I could still try to be a good mother. I guess I always thought I had to choose one or the other: stay at home with my kids until they were old enough to vote, or have a career. It's been tricky for me to get my head around the idea that I actually can do both things, and this is rather a terrifying event on my personal horizon.

I'm waiting, on the cusp here, to learn whether I get accepted into a degree program for counseling, and also whether it will be funded by a scholarship. Both will determine how I manage my current day job of running the house and caring for these little ones. Normally, I'd be pacing around, needing an answer, but I'm trying to just sit here in the quiet unknown for a little longer and enjoy where I am for now, until the next piece of the puzzle drops and my life changes. It's sort of like that time just before it starts to rain, when the air is heavy and the leaves on the trees look their greenest and fullest. It's sort of exciting to know that something is going to happen.

In the same way, Cute Husband's job has me waiting, too. It turns out that he's going to be moving away from us for a while to work--longer than he ever has before. Before we knew what was going to happen, we were a happy little family unit living completely in the now. He and I know that's all going to change dramatically. It's a lot to process, and we haven't yet told our kids. I want them to be blissfully ignorant for a little while longer yet, as sometimes not knowing is a gift.

When he has gone overseas before for 6 or 7 months at a stretch, I have often suffered in missing him and a lot of that suffering is due to not wanting to accept the fact that he had to be there. I complained that it wasn't fair, that he was forced into making unfair choices, that it wasn't fair that he was missing Sweet Boy's life. The overall theme being that life wasn't being fair. I am hopeful that now that I know he'll be moving away for almost a year, and then living overseas for a full year following that, that I'll be able to accept that it has to happen that way in order for us to create some physical stability for our three guys here. They won't have to switch school, they won't have to make new friends, they won't have to leave the house and neighborhood they love, and they won't have to feel uprooted. They'll just miss their dad terribly. And so will I.

But, resisting it isn't going to make it any easier. And so here I sit, hopeful that I have the strength to follow my own advice and recognize that I can choose to look at our situation for what it is--a change in the way that we are together. We'll create something new, and we'll try to accept it for what it is instead of wishing it were different. We'll see how it goes.

All Good Things in Good Time

Wise philosopher Thomas Petty once penned, "The waiting is the hardest part," and I think he was on to something. It might be an easy thing to overlook, but really, the waiting is the point sometimes. "Wait and see", "more will be revealed", and the ever condescending "this too shall pass" all seem to point to the notion that with patience, waiting will be worth it. Seeds will grow into plants, babies will be nourished in the womb, attraction will grow to love...Well, I call bullshit. Here's why:

Sometimes, waiting isn't such a hot idea. Sometimes, things require immediate action. You'll burn the risotto if you leave it sitting in the pan for too long, gazing out the window looking into the wood of a summer's nigh'...I mean, come on already. I know I've said before that nothing is an emergency, but sometimes there's a very fine line between waiting for something to follow its course and just wasting time because you're afraid to address an issue head-on. And it is this, I suppose, that I'm fired up about today.

I guess when you come right down to it, I just don't want the people I love to be wasting so much damn time. Let's live a little. Let loose, take a risk. Follow your dreams, follow your heart, follow the yellow brick road or whatever it is that inspires you to be your best self. Isn't that what we've been put here to do?

Well, Pixie Girl. Aren't you the smartie pants and don't you have it all figured out? How's that working for you these days? Funny you should ask: it's not. I've spent the last ten days absorbing the energetic musings of my little people whom I've just pushed out the door to school. And I've done nothing. Nothing at all. Today was the first I've pulled out my cards and done a reading, and to be honest, I'm a little miffed not to have been able to move forward on other projects that I have on tap. My real job has been getting in the way.

Hm, so maybe the ranting against the people in your life who aren't taking action might be a little, shall we say, hypocritical, then? Hmm, oh Wise One with your bossy blog posts telling everyone else what to do? Well, funny you ask. I guess I'm a bit tired of waiting to get my shizz in order. One could argue that all good things happen as they should, in their own good time, but I'm not buying it. We make our own luck and our own choices. I'm off to get moving on some things: namely, fine-tuning my application to grad school, finishing the damn laundry, and logging some miles for a race I'm training for. 

What about you?

Beach Bliss

So this last weekend found me up north again, visiting my family this time, at my mom's beach house. For the record, I feel so blessed that she lets us come up there and soak in all that wonderful energy floating around. What a gift!

Also, I was able to link up with my little brother, Blackwood, and his boyfriend, The Tinkerer. They made the long haul up north for a stay just short of 48 hours, and it was a fun-filled couple of days together. We snuck away for a stretch on Saturday afternoon, leaving my little people and our other siblings at the house while we found a new metaphysical book store. The going, the doing, the browsing and the subsequent shopping in the quaint little seaside town were some of my favorite parts of the weekend. I always get a great hit of Spirit when I'm with those two. They live so strongly in their beliefs that I always come away feeling more attuned to my own beliefs as a result.

On the way to the bookstore, I mentioned to Blackwood that I was feeling ready to set up my altar and get things moving along, but that I'm heeding the advice of my cards and taking things slowly within this learning process. He and The Tinkerer took it upon themselves to find some altar items for me while we were walking through the shops, and in his sweet way, he presented me with the perfect pieces that honors what I honor. I was completely touched.

We also spent some time talking about relationships, and how the ones with which we struggle are really about us. Every time I see my friend make a decision that is fueled by her addiction instead of by truth, it actually stirs up in me the feelings I had for almost two decades when I watched my youngest brother lose himself and his life to heroin. I get addled, but that's my issue, not hers. I am still struggling to find my place within the friendship, but the lucky thing is this: there's no emergency. I have enough distance to watch things unfold for a while without needing to do something obnoxious or damaging. I can take my judgment over here in this little corner and sit still for a while until I work that out and get over things, or decide to change something.

Perhaps I should do a little magick to work some this out a bit. Perhaps I'll hurry along and set up my altar after all, especially now that I have some pieces of the beach with me. I'm curious how this will fly with my very traditional mother-in-law who is planning to visit at the end of the weekend. Could be funny.

Fairy Magick

Well, the fairies seemed to want that last post all to themselves. They've come up a lot for me lately, as I'm currently reading a chapter book with my little witch called Ruby the Red from the Rainbow Fairy collection. Also, the fairy trees we made this winter are colorful little pops of energy when you stare out the back door into the yard. They always make me smile. Here's a picture:

 It's not the best visual, but there are three containters: a lady bug, dragonfly, and blue glass vase that each holds one wish from each of my little people here at the house. They're a little water logged from the recent rains, but the ink has washed away and the bottoms of the vase are filled with colorful pink water, which makes the girls think there's magick at work.

I've mentioned before that my fairy cards are in hiding, and it's been part of my goal to unearth them, along with countless other items that have yet to be unpacked from our last move. I could use a little help from them, as what I'm doing doesn't seem to be working.

This past weekend I met up with Gypsy Girl at a borrowed beach house up north. We spent some time playing with our cards and catching up on the details of our lives, and it was restorative as all get out. We also linked up with Elfin One, a bit, on the phone, and it was great to be all together in the same place, albeit briefly. I am so lucky to have enduring friendships that evolve right along with me, and I know that tending to them with texts, email and calls is another way to connect to Spirit, as these relationships feed me in a way that no others do.

I have begun to struggle a little with one of my relationships, however, because I can't understand why a dear friend is unwilling to live her best life. Listen to me, all powerful one over here who thinks she knows it all. But really, it's hard sometimes to sit back and watch someone you love not take that next step that will make her happy, that will fill her up with purpose and power, and that will let her be her very best self. It's actually more than hard--it's agonizing. I want so much to help, to push just a little harder, to help her to see that it's okay to be scared, but that sometimes the best change comes from the scariest starting point. But how can I do this? What's my place in this friendship? What are my rights? The part of me that knows how not to ruin the friendship sits and quietly supports. But the part of me that wants to be fed by truth, by absolute and essential truth, can't stand it anymore. There's sometimes a great amount of pretending that goes on, and frankly, my bullshit-o-meter is at zero. I'm tired of pretending, and tired of trying to dance around the very large elephant sitting in the center of every single conversation we have.

On Thursday, I have my next Covenant Circle meeting, and our topic is "Suffering," which comes at a good time for me, clearly. I think I'll introduce this idea of suffering in the friendship I'm struggling with, as I'm not sure that my sweet friend realizes that she's got to be getting fed somehow by this suffering on some level. We all do this, I think, unknowingly. I am having such difficulty watching it unfold any longer. It doesn't help that there's a level of addiction being fed, as there's fundamentally something that's broken at the heart of it all. I just wish I could stop being so angry about it and move back to where I've been for years now, sending love and light, praying, being supportive. But this makes me suffer.  What to do?

In the way of true cowards, I can speak freely about it on this post because my friend doesn't read this blog. And I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate hearing about my trouble with the friendship in such an open forum. But it helps me to recognize that once you open the door on truth, you can just shut it again and pretend it never was opened.