One change I'm going to embrace is this: I need to do something differently in the way I operate as a type A witch. Now that I've started school and life is moving more rapidly along than normal, I find myself a bit adrift. In my last post, I noted how poorly a job I've done at keeping Spirit with me during challenging times, and really, what's the point of having Spirit in your life at all if you don't usher it in during the best and worst times of life? Talk about not fully exploiting your resources.
While I've never felt more organized (you should see my house--it's insane. I'm not sure what's gotten into me), I am really stressed out. There's a lot going on behind the scenes here, namely that Cute Husband is planning on a very long trip for work and we are mentally and emotionally preparing not to have him in our lives next year. I know this is taking its toll in ways I don't realize yet, but I've determined not to let this control how well I live. It's not unusual for him to go away, but the last time he was gone for so long, I ended up in the hospital from the stress of it all. I don't want to do that again. I know there's a smarter and better way to manage.
Last night, while I was trying to decompress after the kids went to bed, after calling the dr.'s answering service to investigate the source of an angry full body rash on my oldest (looks like another allergy to antibiotics), and after spending the day shuttling the children to different activities while adjusting to the absence of my husband for the next week, I lay in bed, watching a dumb reality tv show while knitting a hat. I sat there, mindlessly watching a medium talk about her life and convincing people that she could talk to their dead loved ones, and she said something that made me stop knitting, close my eyes, and smile. "You can't do it alone," she said, to a shocked middle aged man, "Spirit is standing right beside you to help every step of the way." Now, I don't believe she was speaking directly to me, but I couldn't help but be grateful for that little coincidence in timing.
It crossed my mind that she's right--Spirit is standing right next to me, able to help me when I need it. My task is to best figure out how to access it and believe that all will be well. A favorite writer posted something online yesterday about a parable of a little sparrow found lying on its back with its scrawny legs pressed up against the sky. A cat or something walked up to it and asked what it thought it was doing, and the sparrow replied, "I heard the sky was falling, so I thought I'd try to help keep it up where it belongs." I laughed at the vision, and realize that's what I'm trying to do myself. I'm trying to manage all of the details of our life with the idea that I'm going to make it fit into a certain packaged idea of how I want things to be. I'm trying to make it all work. I'm going to control the outcome, when that's not really possible, is it?
Part of the frustration I feel right now is the uncertainty of my husband's safety during his next job away. He's going to a dangerous place to do dangerous things, and this scares me. I was hoping that my little guys would just be thinking about the absence in terms of time away from us, but then my smart little witch in all her 7 year old wisdom asked me this, as we sat eating lunch yesterday at a deli near our home. "What if Dad d.i.e.s.?" she spelled, so as not to have to say the word out loud. I promised her that he always comes home to us, but how can I make such a promise? And how can I comfort these guys when I feel the same fears? I cried a little when they weren't watching, but what do I know?
So last night as I lay in bed, I thought it might be a good idea to find a way to link in with all that matters to me about being part of a larger web. Linking in with any community that feeds us right now, and finding ways to be outside, to feel part of something beautiful and meaningful and that doesn't allow us to be crippled by our fears. I am a work in progress, no doubt, but am hopeful that just this little crack of clarity is enough to move me toward changing how I function.
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