On The Cusp

I'm sure there are many astrologically important symbols to represent life on the cusp of change, but frankly, I can't be bothered to look them up. I don't need to do any in depth readings to understand that my life is about to change in a profound way and that I'm poised on that cusp with a choice. My typical reaction to change is deep and committed resistance. I'm old enough now in my 41 year old dotage to recognize that this reaction hasn't always served me very well and is actually pretty destructive. So I'm going to try something new.

I've had the wonderful luxury of being able to stay at home with Sweet Boy and my two little witches while they were little. I got to see all of their milestones, be with them as they learned to navigate the world, and connect with them deeply to create a sense of safety and love in their lives. I was not always so good with the details, but have loved that I was able always to be there for them. And I have complained the entire time about the sheer tedium of being a stay-at-home mom. I wouldn't have minded the mothering part; it's the housewife job that I loathe and am not so good at doing. Nothing makes me want to jump off a bridge more than deciding whether I should clean out the refrigerator or sort through the hand-me-downs to take to Goodwill. I could give a rat's ass about most of the details of running a house, and wouldn't mind in the least outsourcing some of those decisions, which, really, just isn't ever going to happen.

Nonetheless, there are days of great joy and days of abject boredom. I went through a crisis last year when I realized that the lack of intellectual motivation in my day job was making me feel like my brain would permanently atrophy if I didn't do something else. Blackwood, my wise and cute younger brother, helped me realize that it's okay to pursue another dream without having to give up on the idea that I could still try to be a good mother. I guess I always thought I had to choose one or the other: stay at home with my kids until they were old enough to vote, or have a career. It's been tricky for me to get my head around the idea that I actually can do both things, and this is rather a terrifying event on my personal horizon.

I'm waiting, on the cusp here, to learn whether I get accepted into a degree program for counseling, and also whether it will be funded by a scholarship. Both will determine how I manage my current day job of running the house and caring for these little ones. Normally, I'd be pacing around, needing an answer, but I'm trying to just sit here in the quiet unknown for a little longer and enjoy where I am for now, until the next piece of the puzzle drops and my life changes. It's sort of like that time just before it starts to rain, when the air is heavy and the leaves on the trees look their greenest and fullest. It's sort of exciting to know that something is going to happen.

In the same way, Cute Husband's job has me waiting, too. It turns out that he's going to be moving away from us for a while to work--longer than he ever has before. Before we knew what was going to happen, we were a happy little family unit living completely in the now. He and I know that's all going to change dramatically. It's a lot to process, and we haven't yet told our kids. I want them to be blissfully ignorant for a little while longer yet, as sometimes not knowing is a gift.

When he has gone overseas before for 6 or 7 months at a stretch, I have often suffered in missing him and a lot of that suffering is due to not wanting to accept the fact that he had to be there. I complained that it wasn't fair, that he was forced into making unfair choices, that it wasn't fair that he was missing Sweet Boy's life. The overall theme being that life wasn't being fair. I am hopeful that now that I know he'll be moving away for almost a year, and then living overseas for a full year following that, that I'll be able to accept that it has to happen that way in order for us to create some physical stability for our three guys here. They won't have to switch school, they won't have to make new friends, they won't have to leave the house and neighborhood they love, and they won't have to feel uprooted. They'll just miss their dad terribly. And so will I.

But, resisting it isn't going to make it any easier. And so here I sit, hopeful that I have the strength to follow my own advice and recognize that I can choose to look at our situation for what it is--a change in the way that we are together. We'll create something new, and we'll try to accept it for what it is instead of wishing it were different. We'll see how it goes.